I am trying to decide something. I am trying to listen to God on an issue, but it all seems so muddled up. I thought I had heard from Him, but now I am confused. I know confusion does not come from God.

Am I confusing things, or did I not hear right the first time? I seem to have peace about my decision, but then small doubts come in and cloud my judgement. Why is it so hard for me to hear clearly?

Sorry. These are the only thoughts that I have to post right now.

Perhaps you could pray for clarity for me.

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy: I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10.

On New Years' Day my four year old asked Jesus to come into his life! As a parent is there a moment of more joy and pride than that? But I found myself scared and anxious and, if I am honest, even doubtful. I will confess, as I listened in the past to the testimonies of people who retold of how they accepted Jesus into their hearts at four or five years old, I listened to them with cynicism. What four year old actually has the capacity to understand such a decision or to comprehend the need for it in light of eternity? And there I was, listening to my little boy, after he and I discussed what had happened to his friend's grandmother who had just passed away, saying that he wanted to spend eternity with Jesus when he died. My immediate thought after I had led him through the prayer was what if I didn't say the right words? What if I had bungled it and because of it my son's eternal life was jeopardized? Did we even discuss the role of sin in our lives and the role of Jesus' death as a means to atone for it? Did he mumble after me and not quite repeat clearly the words that I told him to? I was overcome with anxiousness about it all. What was supposed to be a moment of elation was drowned by a huge wave of anxiety. This moment was stolen, killed and destroyed. It took an e-mail from a dear friend of mine (and a subsequent conversation with my husband in which he echoed my friend's e-mail) to make me see clearly. I had e-mailed my friend with all of the doubts and anxieties that were clouding my judgement. She, as she always does, brought my eyes back into focus, to focus on God, the glory He was to be given for this moment and the attempt that the thief had made to prevent this from happening. The following is an excerpt from her response to me. This is what she believed that Jesus wanted me to hear:
"My dear daughter, .... please rest and be at peace. I am the author and perfector of [your son's] faith, not you. I am the author of His salvation, nothing you have done can actually save [him] and so just as you trust Jesus to bring him to a place of being saved, you trust Him in the same way to complete the work HE began in Him. Of course, He will use you, just as He did in you and [your husband] just living life and living life trusting Jesus in what you say and do in front of [your son]".
My friend reminded me that my son's salvation doesn't rest in my hands. I was further humbled when she also reminded me that none of us knew what we know now when we first accepted Jesus. We have grown in our faiths and continue to do so, and so it doesn't matter if my son doesn't have a full grasp of eternity or a complete understanding of the sacrifice that was made for him. What matters is that in his little heart he wants to be with Jesus when he dies and that his four year old soul has started the journey of searching after Him. I had, for a while, allowed the thief to steal, kill and destroy the joy that should have surrounded this moment. I needed to be reminded that Jesus came that we might have life and that we might have it to the fullest. Today I praise Him as my four year old son has chosen this full life, and I stand against the thief's attempts to take that away from him.

What's in your heart?

"Are you still so dull?" Jesus asked them. "Don't you see that whatever enters the mouth goes into the stomach and then out of the body? But the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and these make a man 'unclean. For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. These are what make a man 'unclean'; but eating with unwashed hands does not make him 'unclean."
~ Matthew 15:16-20

Our eyes are the window to our soul. People can tell alot about us through body language, facial expressions, our eyes and our actions. You can tell alot about people by the way they speak too. Our behaviour is a reflection of what is in our heart. Sometimes we try to cover it up so others don't see and we can be good at "masking" our feelings. God does see behind all that though.

What's in your heart?

Don't Doubt in the Darkness

This morning was a cloudy, misty morning where I live. I couldn't see the distant mountains, and all the summer colours were muted in the mist. When fall approaches, a thick morning fog often blocks the spectacular view from our sight. Some days it stays foggy all day, and even though it's a gloriously sunny day just 1 km up the road from us, I wouldn't know it if I didn't get out or listen to the weather report. Let me tell you... that's happened, and that's depressing!

Misty days... rainy days...foggy days. (My appologies if I'm depressing you with these words.) I liken them to doubt days. Days when faith doesn't come easy... days when we stumble and falter. Days when we wonder if God loves us, or cares about us, or if we're going to make it.

When clouds cover the sun, we still know the sun is out there... somewhere. In the dark of night, the moon and stars are still out there...somewhere. In troubles, trials, or tragedy, God is still with us. He's not out there... somewhere; He's close...He's holding you.

This is where walking by faith carries us through, doesn't it? We need faith as we live here on this earth, at this time. I agree with Satisfied's sentiments as she wrote on Tuesday, "I cannot wait until... we don't have to live by faith anymore, but will see face to face." How wonderful will that be?! I can hardly wait, too! But for now... we live by faith.

This song from the record "Hoping and Coping" by Salmond & Mulder (way back in 1981), is an encouragement to me when fears or worries cloud my faith.

Never doubt in the darkness
What God has shown you
in the light
Never doubt in the darkness
What God has shown you
in the light
Fear may come to trouble you
And you may not see too clearly
As it tries to take the little
faith you know
So never doubt in the darkness
What God has shown you in
the light

This short song with its simple tune has given me courage over and over again. Sisters.... friends... what you know on the sunny days is as true on the dark days. The weather doesn't change the fact that the sun still shines. And our feelings can't change God's promises. Cling to what God has shown you in the light.