A Nurtured Soul

"My heart is not proud, O Lord,
My eyes are not haughty;
I do not concern myself with great matters
or things too wonderful for me.
But I have stilled and quieted my soul;
Like a weaned child with its mother,
Like a weaned child is my soul within me."
Psalm 131

I don't know that I ever nursed on my Mother's breast, but I do know the joy, the pain, and sorrow of nursing a child. It was pure joy for me knowing that I had the nourishment to keep my baby alive; yet deep, deep sorrow when I nursed her for the last time. My soul was far from being still and quieted. I was full of anguish. And...when she cried for me and her little arms reached for me, it was almost more than I could bear. I could see the yearning in her eyes, but day by day the crying lessened, the pleading lessened, until one day...there was no pulling and tugging...no eye contact. She did not notice me. She was still and quiet and happily playing on the floor, surrounded by toys. She was also surrounded by her family who watched in amazement at her contentedness.

I, on the other hand, had struggled with the loss of intimacy we had shared, my need for her to need me. Thus, was the beginning of a lifetime of letting go; of a prayer uttered every time the door closed behind her. Weaning from the breast is one thing, but weaning from the heart and home is something else. Though there are many changes that have taken place since then, and the seasons in life have come and gone, I still long to hold and nourish and feel needed. There are days that my soul is "still and quiet", but there are days that I feel the turbulence and under currents of a river out of control, waves splashing and crashing against the rocks of the shore. God knows the anguish that I feel because He longs to nurture me and have me rest in Him. Yet, sometimes... I, like my little daughter, become contented and lose eye contact with Him. And...He has to rescue me.

"He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
He drew me out of deep waters."
Psalm 18:16