Crackers and Chris Tomlin

I've had a rough few days. Sunday and Monday to be exact. I don't particularly want to go into detail about why they were bad, or what happened to make them be bad, so lets just say that I was unhappy, mad, and Monday at work felt like I was in a haze all day. I spent the day pretending that everything was alright and I was doing fine. Not something that I am generally able to do, also really not something that I'm good at. I got home from work and was just completely exhausted. I spent the evening recovering, which, to me, is no contact with family or friends and a good book. So that's what I did. I spent the evening on the porch reading and later soaking in the tub with lots of bubbles, again, reading.

Today, I feel better except that I feel like I'm recovering. You know when you have the flu, how awful it is, and then when you start to feel better, you're still very tentative? Like, you watch what you eat, after you eat you sort of pause and make sure you're still feeling ok, that everything is going to stay down. When you move, you don't move to fast, or to sudden, you walk slower. You work your way up to what you eat. First its maybe some chicken broth (it's very rare that one gets sick off chicken) and then you move to crackers, and maybe some plain toast. That's kind of how I'm feeling. I'm examining myself, making sure that, yes, I am happy and, no, I won't be falling back into that slump this time. I'm waking up in the morning to Chris Tomlin's 'Jesus, Messiah' song (although, admittedly thats been my alarm for a long time). He's the music that I have playing in my car (thank you mom for leaving that cd in there). It's like it's time to recover from the flu. It's kind of a weird feeling.

I know why I was in a bad mood those days, and why they sucked so much and a lot of it, most of it, really, had to do with my relationship with God. I love Him, so very, very much, but sometimes I guess I forget (that sounds like a question in my head), its just so strange. I just stop including Him in everything and I get bored. Then, every little thing starts to bother me. I would like to think that I can withstand temptation and that my faith is strong enough to keep me strong in everything, but that's not really true. Satan knows what my weaknesses are and he uses that knowledge ruthlessly. *sigh* At least God is a forgiving, merciful God. My mom was telling me about her study of Gideon and how awesome God is to Gideon; how kind, patient and loving He is. At least I can know that when I stumble, when I fall, I have a God that is waiting there, with his hand outstretched, beckoning me to grab hold so He can lift me back up. Gives a body hope and freedom.