Soul Kitchen

The other day I was having my quiet time, which I usually do in the mornings before work, and I was sitting in bed reading my bible. I don't remember for sure what I was looking up, but I was in Matthew and had my bible laid out before me. The pages weren't fluttering, everything was fairly calm, but then one page started to turn. Seriously, I didn't do it, and the fan that I normally have blowing, wasn't focused on the bed. The page turned and the first thing I read was the story about Jesus crossing the lake with his disciples and the storm that came up and how Jesus calmed the wind and the waves. The part that struck me the most was what Jesus said to his disciples when he woke up, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?"

I went to the wedding on Saturday of one of my friends that I've known all through high school. It was a fabulous wedding and I had a lot of fun, but I couldn't help feeling lonely at times. I'm turning 22 in June (I've had a few freak-outs over that) and I'm single, with really no prospect of that ever changing. I will admit that before the wedding, I was already struggling with my life, the direction it's going (or not going) and all that stuff, but this wedding kind of hit me hard. I didn't peg any of the thoughts swirling around my head as fear, though.

So, (here's where it all ties together) when I read that sentence, it was like Jesus was asking me why I was so afraid. So, I asked myself, what am I afraid of? More than I had thought. There are things that I want, really bad, but I'm afraid that I'll screw everything up and won't get them. I'm scared that the way my life is now is the way its going to stay until I die. Two of my best friends both have big, life changing events coming up, and I don't and it scares me. The thing that scares me the most, is that I'll go on wanting these things, desiring them, but will never get them. That I'll go on wanting them forever. But then, I re-read the part where Jesus asks why the disciples are so afraid and this is what I heard in it. This could be what Jesus was thinking, "Guys, why are you scared? I'm right here! You believe that I can heal the sick, give the blind sight, that demons will obey me, but you don't think that I can handle a storm? Really? Come on!" If I believe God for somethings, why can't I believe Him for everything??

I don't have it all figured out yet. It's not like in one morning I realized that all the things that have been bothering me don't mean anything and I can let them all go to allow God to work, but at least I can "be confident of this, that he who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6. I don't want to hold on to things and, by holding on, not notice the work that Christ is doing, not pay attention to the things He is doing in me and for me. Believe you me, it's happened before.

So, let me say with the psalmist: 'I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:13-14