To: Female Household Residents
From: Executive Housekeeping
Re: Kitchen Etiquette
Please review the following guidelines from the policy and procedures manual in my head. These require strict adherence in order that the management doesn't have a conniption. (Yes, that is a real word.)
Sec. 2.18 Under no circumstances eat the last bit of homemade granola. Consumption by all residents is acceptable up to the last bowlfull. You used to turn your nose up at it, until that unfortunate day you actually tasted it and decided that I wasn't crazy and that it really is delicious. Do you know how disappointing it is to look forward to a bowl with my Starbucks Italian Roast and find the empty ziplock on the counter? Disappointed isn't adequate to express the emotions of the moment. If I wasn't going on 50 years old, I'd have thrown a tantrum. (Believe me, it was going on in my head. "How absolutely RUDE. Who takes the last bowl of MY granola? WHAT were they thinking? Do they make it, perfecting the recipe to just the right combination of big flake oatmeal, hand chopped nuts, honey, brown sugar and bran? They know how much I love it. How thoughtless. Now what am I going to eat?" Etc.)
Sec. 2.23 Check the dishwasher before even thinking about leaving a dish in the sink. Do not assume that the dishwasher is full of clean dishes, and therefore, it is acceptable to leave your 3-hour-old plate from lunch in the sink "to soak". Take your right hand, reach down to unlatch the door, take peak or take a whiff. This should tell you what's in there. Follow these procedures:
1. If the contents of the dishwasher are dirty, put your flippin' plate in! If your plate must be wedged between the silverware basket and the bowl section, add detergent and turn it on.
2. If the contents of the dishwasher are clean, unload the dishwasher. Duh. Then place your dirty plate in the empty dishwasher.
3. The only circumstance in which placing a dirty dish (rinsed, of course) in the sink is acceptable, is if the dishwasher is currently running, which can be determined by the sound of water swishing around in it and the variety of flashing red lights displayed on the door. Do not plead ignorance.
Sec. 2.24 Used disposable Ziploc containers containing remnants of lunches past must be cleaned out by the user. No exceptions. Really? You want me to open that lid? And DO NOT throw it away. I know how your mind works.
Sec. 2.25 Personal travel mugs and water bottles - ditto. If it can't be put in the dishwasher, hand wash it yourself. If it can, see Section 2.23.
Sec. 3.6 If, when you open the cabinet door located under the sink, various items of waste spill out onto your feet, this means that the can is FULL. Do not attempt to jam any more in. Empty it! Yes, I mean YOU, and yes, I mean NOW, not the next time you go downstairs to watch your weekly TV program.
Sec. 3.8 Open the patio door, located 6" from the counter on which you place recyclable materials (water bottles, pop cans, milk jugs, newspapers, etc.) and throw the stuff in the recycling bags located just on the outside of the door. Do not assume that it is sufficient that I am thrilled that you are at least not leaving them lay all over the house. To open the door, push the latch down, grab the handle and slide the door to the right, which is the direction away from the sink. Excellent.
Your cooperation is extremely appreciated. Adherence to these guidelines will not only make for better living for all of us, but will send a message that I'm more to you than housekeeping management.
I actually already know that, my girls. You're amazing young women. Thank you for allowing me to poke a little fun at the typical family stuff that goes on around here and my own silly reaction to it. Far more remarkable is all the other loving and considerate actions you take to love on me. I love you more than words can say. Thanks for living in my house. And thank you for sharing your lives with me. I love all the joy and laughter, talks and rants, hugs and kisses. I wouldn't trade these times for anything.
At the next meeting, we will be discussing bathrooms.
Loved it! My cheeks are hurting because I laughed all the way through.
ReplyDeleteJulie
You would love it! I for one am quite offended and plead innocence to all of the above except the granola one, but that I blame her for since she is the one that told me to try it!! Honestly.
ReplyDeleteLauren
So you're the culprit! The truth always comes out. No worries. I made a fresh batch this morning and it is even better than the last one. Meet you in the kitchen!
ReplyDeleteLove, Mom
Dianne,
ReplyDeleteI was a little nervous eating lunch at your house this afternoon with the truth of all your expectations so eloquently laid out! That granola in your cupboard... well, that's what I really wanted, but I didn't dare ask for THAT!
Also, wondering if you had an updated version of "what to do" now that your dishwasher is out of commission. The drama heightens!
Thanks for lunch. Loved the wrap. Thanks to Alexa for that home- made humous. I was nervous about eating that too, after Chris said that he gets in trouble for eating left-overs from the fridge. Most tension I've felt during any of all our weekly (ish) luncheons! But, oh so worth it!
Love you for always,
Marianne
By the way, as I ate my "store-bought" granola this morning, I honestly couldn't stop thinking about your home-made granola. Really.
ReplyDeleteI was thinking that maybe you wouldn't mind sharing your recipe with us. Besides...the next time you have company over and the granola goes missing...I'd hate for your family to be wrongly accused. Good for you Marianne for not making the slip.
Julie
'll gladly share my granola, just not the last bowlful! Is that too much to ask? :)
ReplyDeleteFurther thoughts about this blog:
1. I wrote it when I was in the midst of a rant. I apologize to my girls who had no idea it was coming. Maybe not such a good idea. Please re-read the last italicized paragraph. This is my true heart.
2. Marianne hit on the real issue with the comment about expectations. As I stated, the policy and procedures manual was in my head. How was anyone supposed to know? I really believe that a lot of our frustration and anger comes from placing expectations on people. We expect them to behave in a certain way, and if it doesn't happen, we get offended and angry. Not their fault. Entirely our own. We (myself included, obviously) need to stop placing expectations on people. If we don't expect anything from them, then we don't get frustrated or angry. If it's an issue that needs to be addressed, we need to take responsibility for expressing our desires to them. If they comply, we are delighted and pleased. If not, move on and find something else to eat. No big deal.
3. Here's something to think about: Does God have expectations of us? If so, what are they and what does he do if we don't live up to them? If not, why not?
Thanks for you comments. I love you all.