For many years I have resisted being "girly”. I have resisted embracing all that it is (or at least all I thought) epitomized being a girl: I would never attend a “girls' night”; I spend way less time getting ready to go out than my husband - a long shower for me is 5 minutes; I don’t enjoy chick flicks; and the colour pink makes me nauseous. The saddest thing of all though is that this prideful need to stand apart from other girls has led me to resist opening up to other females and truly sharing my heart with them. That’s why I consider it quite monumental that I even considered being a writer for this blog - even more so that I was excited about it. The Lord has been using a handful of women to speak to my heart and speak His truth into my life. These women have shown me the value of “girlfriends” (a term that used to make my skin crawl!), and the blessings that the Lord can give us through them. I am starting to learn the richness and beauty of having other women share their journeys with me, and to walk with me on my journey. This is why I was excited when I was approached to share my journey with you all. Perhaps I can offer some of the same encouragement that I have received by peering into the journeys of other women. Perhaps also this is me throwing aside my pride and realizing that I should embrace my sisters, my girlfriends and soak up what that special bond has to offer.

I am fearless! Well, I am not really, not at all. However, that is the name that I am using for Soul Kitchen, and here’s the reason why: because I am so governed by fear! I have a dear friend who likes to call a spade a spade. She tells you how it is, whether you want to hear it or not. One day I was sharing with her my concerns, annoyances, really everything that was on my mind and troubling me. As I was talking, it dawned on both of us that almost every struggle I seem to be bugged by is a result of some sort of fear. So why on earth is my name Fearless? Because I know the truth, and the truth is there is nothing to fear. Although I am full of fear (either tangible fears or psychological fears such as the fear of giving up control), I know that God does not want me to live in fear. I am choosing Fearless as my name as it signifies the journey that I am on and it reminds me of who I am supposed to be…

…and as part of my walk toward freedom and fearlessness I will cast aside a fear and begin my journey as a contributor for Soul Kitchen.

So Long, Insecurity...Week 5

How do I convey to you what is on my heart today?

I'm excited.  I've got that 'I've had too much coffee feeling', but I actually haven't had too much coffee.  God is doing things in my heart and in my life and in my mind.  I am recognizing my insecurities and practicing the renewing of my mind by replacing those lies and insecurities and fears with truth.  I feel contagious and if anyone got too close to me I feel like I just couldn't help myself...I'd just want to spill out all over them how I see God changing me.  I admit...it's all about me...but I wonder if that's how the blind man felt when Jesus gave him eyes to see and he saw colours and shapes and the faces of the people he loved for the very first time.  Or the woman who had suffered and bled for 12 years...Can you imagine what it must have been like for her?  In desperate faith she secretly reached out and touched the hem of his coat.  When He looked her in the eyes and she knew that He had healed her inside and out, do you think she could contain herself?  No!!!  She must have been almost crazy with joy and she probably told her story to anyone who would listen for the rest of her sweet life.  I'm looking her up when I get to heaven...I sooooo want to hear it first hand with all the details.

I'm not saying I've got it down.  And....I'm not saying that I'm not expecting to have my struggles...but I am saying that I am seeing and feeling the sweet breath of Jesus on my face.  His freedom is washing away some things in me that have held me down for a long time and I can't help it...I want you to know and experience that freedom too.

Here is a portion from Beth Moore's Blog and our assignment for this week:

We are reaching the halfway point in our journey and have arrived at a place of utmost importance in our pursuit of wholeness. Your assignment this week is based on only one chapter of the book: CHAPTER 9. As you will soon discover, it is not a chapter you just read. It's a chapter you actually do. A chapter you actually pray. Please take it seriously. Everything ahead of us hinges on this experience. It is placed at this point in the journey prior to the prescriptive and practical phase of the book so that the way is cleared and our dignity restored enough to move forward. It will help place us in a posture God can bless with the rich kind of confidence He wants for His people and activate the power we have within us to think and FEEL differently. That's essentially where the remainder of the book heads.

Here are your very simple assignments this week:
1. Do (don't just read but actually  do) Chapter Nine. In your comment to this post, simply reflect back on your time with God and share anything specific that you received from it.
2. Write one or two Scripture verses that speaks most powerfully to you right now in this journey and post it for your sisters to encourage each other as we stand on truth.  Write the verses that your sisters share on the inside of the back cover of your book. (You could also write them on 3x5 cards and post them all over your house!)


I have revised Question number 2 for this blog because unless you are also following Beth's LPM Blog it wouldn't make sense.


Well....once again...I love you girls.  Each one of you is entirely precious and beautiful.  I'll be praying for you this week as you do Chapter 9.  


Love,
Julie

Thrill

Dear sisters:
I am driving along to church this am and the question comes to me, "Marianne, why are you going to church?" " What are your expectations?" " What is your purpose? " (I hope I am not late to church, but a little early.) The thought comes to me, "When you, Marianne, worship and wave your arms and can't keep from tapping your feet, and your hips moving back and forth; is that for show to the people or truly to God?" "Hm,"I asked the Lord immediately, "Lord, what do you see me doing?" "I see your heart to praise me, but you really want others to catch your vibes too!" "Lord, all that matters is that I truly worship you in Spirit and in Truth and please give me a chance to minister in some way." It literally thrills me in my heart to know that God could use me to bless someone else. Soon after praying, these thoughts came to me. "Yes, that's it. I go to church to be a blessing! Wow!" "But Lord, you need to give me strength, the power to love someone and guide me." God said, " Don't worry, I will give you strength and opportunities.!"( 1 Cor. 15:58 - So, my dear brothers and sisters, be strong and steady, always enthusiastic about the Lord's work, for you know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever useless.") Alright! Here we go. "I am going to smile at everyone that even walks close to me." "Hmmmm. That feels good!" "They probably think I am a little daft, but, it costs me nothing, and Jesus would notice them passing by." Next, I walk down the aisle to find a seat. Someone sits alone behind me. I introduce myself. "Oh, you have only come to CHC for 3 weeks! Cool! My name is Marianne, what is yours?" We exchange a bit about why she started to come. After the service this person asked me to pray with her and said, "It is so good to be able to be prayed for." "Lord thank you for this privilege!" The sermon was about how God has prepared a place for us to be with Jesus. I wished my husband Al could have been there; he would be comforted. Oh, what lovely, ministering songs were led by the worship team! I focused on Jesus and worshiping him, praying for those around me. I love the greeting time that followed the worship. I give hugs easily because it says in the KJV of the Bible, "Greet one another with a holy (Gr. sacred) kiss!" (Rom.16:16; 1 Cor.16:20; 2 Cor. 13:12).
Aha! Marianne, you go to church, not only to worship or to minister to others, but allow others to minister to you through the greetings, worship, sermon, smiles, listening, praying together and definitely hugs. All this was a thrill to me. Thank you Jesus for these opportunities to minister, however small, and to be ministered to. I feel "filled up"in order to go home and minister to my husband who now needs me.
dancing girl

Greetings

I just want to say "Hi!" and let you all know that I have not disappeared from this life or this wonderful meeting place at Soul Kitchen.

I'm writing from our friends' flat where we are staying in Lithuania. We have been gone for almost three weeks so I am really missing you all, my Soul Kitchen sisters and friends! I can hardly wait to get back and have time and computer access to read what you all have written and join in on all the discussions.

May God bless you as you seek freedom and security in Christ Jesus. How precious Jesus is to reveal to us how we can fully enter the freedom He has purchased for us!

With heartfelt warmth and love to you all,
Marianne

I've been thinking about what to write since Sunday, and yet, here I am, Wednesday morning, with nothing. It's not that I don't have anything to say, cuz I could say a lot, it's just that there is so much going on in my head right now that I can barely sort through the chaos.

I've had a rough few weeks and I'm not really seeing the light on the horizon. I've been close to tears multiple times and it was really only the company I've been with that's held them back. Don't get me wrong, it hasn't all been bad, but it's been a struggle to act...normal.

God's a funny guy, I'm sitting in my room typing this and I just had a little bit of an 'ahhh' moment. I paused at the end of a sentence and was thinking about insecurities, because, lets face it, they're a big part of why I've been feeling the way I do. And here's what He revealed to me, my 'ahhh' moment: I am not willing to give up my insecurities. Hold on a minute, let me explain.

I have a few insecurities, but my major one is how I look. I have my good days where I think I look pretty fine, but then I have my days where my hair doesn't work, or my face doesn't work or my clothes don't work. Those days I can deal with pretty well (I think), but the days I can't deal with are fat days. Those are the days I just want to crawl right back into my pj's and stay under the covers. I really don't like looking at myself if I'm not feeling pretty, or if I'm feeling fat. It's hard to leave my bedroom in the morning.

One would think that would be something I would want to be free of, right? And I do! I really do, but here's the catch. Here's where the 'ahhh' comes in. I am not willing to just give up my insecurity and be free of it, rather, I want to be free, but my way. That make sense? I want God to free me by fixing the things in me I don't like. Not just making it so they don't bother me anymore. So fat days? I want God to make it so fat days wouldn't happen cuz I would look in the mirror and see otherwise.

I know I'm not fat, not close, but there parts of me I would change, parts of me that bother me more than others. (I'm trying to type and talk with my hands at the same time and it's becoming quite difficult) So, I want God to fix those things so they don't bother me anymore. Fix them, not my attitude. I'm not quite sure how to go about letting God fix me. I know he's really good at it, as he's done it before, but this time seems different. These are life long issues that I have and not knowing life without them seems to make freedom God's way an impossibility. I can't imagine feeling good about myself without changing the parts of me that I want changed.

Oh goodness, I just had an aha moment (This morning just seems to be full of 'moment's). The last sentence of the paragraph right above this one used to read, "I can't imagine feeling good about myself without fixing the parts of me that I want fixed." In fact the entire last paragraph used 'fix' quite often. Umm, does that sound wrong to anyone else? Or is it just me? There are two sides of me that are at war right now. One side is saying, "Babe, they do need to be fixed. Fixed as in they're don't look the way they should look. Fixed is the right word." The other side is saying, "Fixed? Like their's something wrong with you? Really??!" I'll admit the latter is the quieter voice. I'm so used to listening to the first one.

I want freedom, I want to feel good about myself and I want to trust that freedom means just that, freedom no matter how I look. I want to trust God with my looks, after all, he created me, he knew what he was doing.

It's a lot to sort through, and I'm nowhere near the finish line, but, 'since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.' (Hebrews 12:1) -BTW, my english teachers would have been so proud of the way I integrated that verse into the sentence. Classic essay writing.

That's what I want to do. I want to throw off everything that hinders me and run with perseverance the race marked for me. My insecurities hinder me a lot. I've got more than just my looks and I'm ready for God to work in me and bring me to freedom. So, (raises glass for a toast) here's to freedom, God's way.

So Long, Insecurity...Week 4

How are you doing sisters, in this journey?  Do you have somebody close to you that you can debrief with along the way?  If you don't have someone yet...get someone.  Connect on this blog through comments at the bottom of the post...even if it scares the living daylights out of you.  Email me if you need to.  But don't...sweet sister...just go it alone.  I feel passionate about this and let me tell you, I know it's a vulnerable feeling to expose ourselves...specially to other women sometimes...but it is so worth it to walk together.

I have actually had a fascinating week discussing "roots" with some of you!  It has had it's heavy moments as I remembered things and recognized things that are painful for me or ugly to look at but you know what...once the Lord reveals it, and you're ready to get rid of it, you know girl that you are on the way to being free!  And I hope that, that is where you are.

Some of you have already read through the book.  Don't stop there.  Come back and journey with us.  Don't be afraid to answer the questions for yourself and do the homework.  I believe it is listening to Jesus in the journey and talking to Him through every step that brings the freedom and security that we all desire.  Yes it takes work, but there is no book out there that can give us a quick fix to insecurity and make us secure by the time we read that last page.  Beth Moore can't make us secure, only Jesus.  Take Him by the hand and lets continue together to fight for what is already ours.  Let's encourage one another and build each other up in the faith.  Girls...do you know what has blessed my heart and encouraged me to press on?  When I felt like crap last Monday and couldn't write a thing to you until the next day...do you know who was on  my heart and mind?  Next to Jesus...it was you!  About 25 of you have come to me here and there and are sharing a little bit of your life with me on this journey and I love it!  I know I'm not alone.  You are not alone.  You encourage me.  You encourage those around you.  Share your journey.  You will be amazed at how your sisters next to you will be encouraged too.

Okay...Here's this weeks assignment.  Chapter 7 is a heavy one but Beth says she put it in there so we would get so sick and tired of what insecurity has done to us and those around us that we would be desperate and ready for freedom.  Well girls...I'm in.  Chapter 8 rounds the corner to hope.  I'm even more in.

1. What part of Chapter 7 hit home with you most and why?

2. (If you're choosing only two, please include this one.) Based on your journey so far in chapters 1-8, list your own personal top three reasons why it's time to deal with your insecurity. (We're not looking for right answers. We're looking for YOUR answers. Don't copy off your fellow sojourners' papers on this one. Grin.) So that you don't get your numbers confused here, list your 3 reasons under A.B.&C.

3. Based on Chapter 8, briefly describe a recent trigger of insecurity and whether or not it got a rise out of you.

4. Also based on Chapter 8, what does dignity mean to you? 

Some of you have told me that you have gotten frustrated trying to post a comment.  I can understand and it is totally confusing until you've done it a few times.  If you want to comment and/or post your answers to the above questions (I dare you)...smile...click on the word comments at the bottom of the post.  Next, you must choose an identity.  If you are new to this and do not have a google account, the easiest way is to choose anonymous.  Once you have chosen your identity, you may write your comment in the box and then click publish, to post your comment.  I'll see you there.


Praying for all of you this week as we grow together.  You are precious.

Julie

A Perfect Family

A dream has come true!
Who of us doesn't dream of being in a perfect family, where there is harmony, where we love one another, where the children honor the parents, and the parents do not provoke their children to wrath? Alas, I think all my life I have dreamed of creating and re-creating the perfect family. In my family of origin, the family life began to be disturbed with my Dad being conscripted into II World War into the German Army. From there, our family of six, had a rough ride through the war and postwar experiences from 1939 to 1950. That year we arrived in Chicago, Ill. 1953, the year my mother died, I was 17 and entering into my last year of high school. It was also the year I accepted Christ as my personal Saviour. And here, in little Belmont Gospel Church, I experienced a special kind of "family". You see, as a child, seeing what I saw, I ended up as love starved, insecure, and lonely, but with a deep desire to help and do something to alleviate the hurt and destruction in this world. So, Jesus became my anchor that I clung to for dear life. I went to His Word for comfort and strength. Life continued and I got married, have 3 grown up children, 1 son in law and 1 daughter in law, 4 grandchildren, and we are a family. However, one thing is guaranteed, that life brings many changes. One major change that started over 2 years ago is that my husband Al developed leukemia.
So, a few weeks ago our daughter asked her Dad for a blessing. The Holy Spirit prompted me to plan a small get away and invited all of our children, in laws and 4 grandchildren for a celebration of 5 birthdays and a day of blessings. Everyone came and we had a wonderful time. We were eating things the family likes, (except for Dad who can't eat regular foods) went swimming, and then the last day had a time with Dad. As head of the family,he spoke to each one individually of the things he appreciated about that person, gave them a scripture verse for them to live by, and said a prayer over that person. The Kleenex box was passed around liberally. The grandchildren all had one verse and were allowed to go and play part of the time in the next room. They returned and we all gathered around Al and our son prayed on behalf of all of us. Al's appreciation was expressed so eloquently by a simple, "I feel so loved". This was my dream of a perfect family. It was really just a moment in time that came closest to being perfect among the many imperfect family times,however, one day, we all will join that perfect family with Christ. We already have a perfect heavenly Father who is interceding for each of us, and I for one will never cease to mirror or recreate that perfect image that Christ has placed into each of our hearts until I reach that place where my perfect home exists!

Addicted to Dread

For some reason, I have never realized how much "change" has affected my insecurity issues. But I can see a little more clearly how it has. Beth Moore shares in her book, So Long Insecurity, of how, "unwelcomed changes can be a breeding ground for insecurity, because it invites you to become addicted to dread."

I think my first addiction to dread as a child, was when I knew my daddy was coming home from work. My daddy drove vehicles for a living. I think he first began with driving taxi's in the city. He then hauled new cars from one state to another on the back of a long trailer. And the last job he had, he drove semi tractor-trailers long distances. Often he would be gone from four or five days to a week at a time. When I was very young, he would be gone several weeks at a time. My mother said that even as a baby, the minute he would come home I would start crying. Maybe it was because I had not seen him in a while and I didn't recognize him as being a regular member of our household. But as I grew older, a sense of fear developed in me because I knew that when he came home... everything as we knew it when he was not there was going to change. What I didn't know as a child was that my daddy was addicted to alcohol. He didn't drink while he was working but he took pills that would keep him awake while he was driving. The sad thing was, I didn't know who my daddy really was. The people who worked with him loved him because they saw him and talked with him when he was sober. It wasn't until later in life that I was able to see the man that they knew. I was close to thirty years old by then. Also, by this time... my life had been built around crisis situations. So, in a sense, the roots of my insecurity began in the crib at home, in what should have been a safe environment, but wasn't.

In my childhood years, we moved from one house to another, one school to another and each move was supposedly an escape to a better place. I made friends and lost friends and then made friends again. I was taught not to hang on too tightly to anything because you can lose it overnight. And above all, never, let anyone see your exposed heart... keep it covered at all times. When we finally settled down and moved into the house I would call home, I had lived a life time of insecurities and fears that no child should ever be exposed to at twelve years old.

Beth says, "The truth is God uses change to change us. He doesn't use it to destroy us but to coax us to the next level of character, experience, compassion and destiny."

Most of us have insecurity issues to work through. As hard as it is though, we need to dig up the roots that have held us down and under for so many years. I loved Julie's analogy about the bush at her house that had roots so deep they could not be pulled up. So, she just cut it down, and set a really cute planter on top of it... only to see it growing again the next year. And you know what? It probably made that bush stronger by cutting it back when she was actually hoping to never see it again.

Well, I feel like I have been out in the garden today. Sometimes it's a peaceful place to be.. other times, you see all the work that needs to be done to make it really beautiful. And, oh, do I need a lot of work! I'm not crazy about dirt and I don't like pruning shears but I love the beauty that it can bring. So... trusting the Lord today as He is working in my heart to let the things go that He is pruning and not pick them up and try to root them again. I have seen my husband do this with plants, trees and flowers when he wanted to reproduce something very beautiful. But some things are better scooped up and taken to the compost or burned with the other dead sticks and brush. It is interesting though, how rotting compost can make a plant grow into something beautiful. And to this I add... God can take the rotting compost in our lives and use it for His glory if we will allow Him to.

He Holds the Future

Here Goes ladies!

When I was approached about joining the authors for Soulkitchensisters, I really was not sure that anyone would want to hear about the journey I am on these days. Who wants to hear about sickness, weakness, tiredness and lab reports on my ailing husband and myself? Or, read about all the questions and conversations we have with each other, the Lord and dancing girl has with herself? Al and I are on the ride of our lives and for our lives! We all will one day get to be our age (not yet that old-74 and 76) and face health, as well as life and death issues. Hence, I'll take the plunge and take some of you with me on this ride.
Some days, all we can do is to finally get dressed in the morning, huffing and puffing with every little task just to make it through the day. All the while we listen to each others complaints: "How was your night?" "Oh, you know, I had to get up every hour on the hours. That's why I am so tired and sleepy during the day". "I am so sorry, maybe if you take a Tylenol you'll get two hours of solid sleep tomorrow." "How did you tolerate that pudding?" "Well, my stomach burns, I feel so nauseated, I have to lay down!"
"Ok honey, did you have some ginger ale yet?" "How about a Lorazepam?" "No, it makes me too groggy!" "Boy, today I, (dancing girl,) could hardly get my breath." " I don't know why it feels like my legs will buckle under me just doing a little walking around the house, loading the dishwasher, or take a walk from our condominium apartment to the mail box on the main floor.?" We live on the second floor. Two days ago I had a thought. "Lord, show us what we should do?" "What more or what not should I do?" For Al, he thought he would stop the antibiotic (the last dose), since his stomach and nausea were really bad. This morning he felt somewhat better. For myself, I got the thought that perhaps my blood pressure
medications were too much. All 4 of the medications had a warning on the bottle, "can cause dizziness". Ok, I am going first thing in the morning to check this out with my doctor. Well, to make a long story short, one of the medications had to be cut in half as it slows the heart too much. This was a relief. All the time, I keep a running conversation with my Jesus. You know, "They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; listen God, you know you could just cure that aggressive leukemia of Al's and it would not be hard for you at all; oh great, Lord, now what is next?; the doctor says, medicine can no longer help him!" One sweet gal, Tracy, suggested we try the naturalist that has helped her. So, that appointment will come up in three week. Stay tuned. In the meantime, we look forward to a family reunion where we will celebrate all our 5 spring birthdays and Al would like to give a special blessing to each of our children, their spouses and grandchildren. We don't know how much longer God gives him life, but thought we should do a get to gather while he is still able to talk. Even if he has to lay in bed at the hotel. Another comfort is to know that while we don't know what our future holds, we know who hold the future. We are in God's loving hands. We have grabbed on to the Lord and His Word, because we would not want to do this journey without Him.

So Long, Insecurity...Week 3-Roots

Several years ago, we decided to take out a very big, overgrown boxwood that had most likely been planted near the front door of our house back when the house was first built.  My husband cut it down with  a small chainsaw, we dug around the roots, couldn't dig it up so we tied a climbing rope around it, tied it to the bumper of our car and tried to pull it out.  It broke the rope like a piece of string.  The roots had worked their way either into or under the foundation of the house.

After all that, we decided not to bother with killing the roots.  We just cut that sucker right down to the ground and I put a beautiful planter that I had bought at Costco right on top of it.  It looked as if it was completely gone.  For about a year.  It's grown up past my knees now and would probably be up to my waist if I hadn't kept cutting it back.  I don't really like it but I've tried to make it work with my other plants and flowers because it was just too much bother to get rid of it altogether.  In fact, I hardly even notice it any more.

And girls...that's what the Lord showed me yesterday in my time with Him.  That true story...is a picture of my life.  I was so blown away by it yesterday...I couldn't even write.  I was gonna get up last night around 2 in the morning and write about it just to get it off my chest but I finally fell asleep.

Beth's questions this week on chapters 5 and 6 have to do with roots.  I had read those chapters weeks ago and casually took notes of some of the roots of my insecurity.  That's easy.  I'm a North American missionary kid.  Dramatic change.  We made some major moves across the continent.  I became what I recently learned is called a third culture kid.  I left my home, my relatives and all I knew in the southern culture of the Carolinas where I was raised and moved to an isolated Indian reserve here in B.C. with my parents at the transitioning age of 12.  I grew to love the people there but never felt like I fit in or belonged.  By the time we visited our southern home 2 years later, I quickly learned that I didn't fit in there anymore either. The lie that I didn't "belong" anywhere had taken it's hold.  I'm not bitter about it.  It's just a root of insecurity I've had to work through.

Back to Beth's questions...

This week I’d like for you to give special attention to Chapters FIVE and SIX. Here are the two questions I want you to answer here on the blog:

1. After reading these two chapters, what do you believe to be the TWO primary roots of your struggle with insecurity? Keep in mind that more may apply but try to lock in on two that you believe to be most impactful.

2. What, if any, insight did you gain about the roots of insecurity and did you sense that God was trying to speak to you in any specific way through it? (This answer does not need to be limited to the two roots you identified in the previous response.) 


Well...Lord...That was easy...Dramatic change is obviously one of my primary roots...oh yeah, and maybe pride.  Pride!?  I'm not that prideful am I?  I mean, I don't feel like I'm better than anyone else.  Do I?  No.  I think God has shown me that my pride's more subtle.  So subtle...I hardly notice it.  The Lord's been revealing stuff to me about pride in my life that I haven't recognized before.  Ohh...pride is soooo ugly.


Two weeks ago when I read these chapters the first time...none of this seemed like a big deal.  Yeah...I've got roots.  Okay, let's move on.  But yesterday...while spending time with Jesus and his Word...the Lord revealed a root in my heart that has been growing some 25 years.  I've been cutting it back here and there and planting flowers over top of it for a long time...so long that I hardly notice it anymore.  But Jesus has noticed it and known it was there all along.  


To be honest...I couldn't write yesterday because I'm struggling with it.  I'm not lost...not even close...but I could use your prayers.  "I feel like"...I don't have time for this right now Lord and I would rather not look at it.  But I'm gonna look at it because I've got Jesus and I'm on a road to healing.  Just as I hope you are on that road as well.


Thankyou Sisters, for loving me and listening to my heart today.  Thank you Jesus for loving me enough to reveal roots to me that only you can dig out and free me from.


Let's stick to the journey girls...Let's Be Free.

"Hide and Seek"

When I was a child, I would play hide and seek in the old house I grew up in. It was an old southern style house with a lot of character. If I could choose my favorite thing about that old house, it would be the wrap-around porch that was attached to the front of the house and around the side. I would go out and sit in the old porch swing and soak in the sunshine. I could feel its heat upon my face, arms and legs, and bare feet. It was my favorite place in all the world because even on a day when the sun was not shining, it was bright, open and peaceful. There was no hidden darkness.

A lot of times, when I played hide and seek, there was no one playing with me. I was the middle child of seven children. I had four brothers and two sisters. Sometimes... just to see if I would be missed by anyone, I would hide, usually behind two doors that came together in the kitchen. I would stand there and wait until someone would say, "Have you seen Mary?" Sometimes, I felt as though I had been standing there for hours... just waiting. My siblings and Mother would come and go into the kitchen and I could hear everything they were saying but they did not know I was there. Eventually, someone would mention my name and someone else would say, "No, I don't know where she is." After a while, I would come out laughing and tell them I had been in the kitchen the whole time.

Hiding wasn't just a fun thing for me, though, it became a way of escape. I found that was the safest place for me to be. Because I grew up in a family of addictions and abuse, I learned early as a child to pretend that everything was okay. I also learned to keep hidden the darkness that penetrated the rooms of the house I lived in. So, over a period of time, I learned to hide, from family, and friends, from school officials and even people in the neighborhood church that I attended. If you keep shoving stuff in but never releasing it, you know that eventually something is going to happen and you will be exposed. Living in that fear, fills your life with insecurity. Some of my childhood fears have followed me into adulthood. A lot of people never see that insecurity in me though... but it's there, underneath the smiles, the pleasant conversations, the seeming appearance of having it altogether. Those who are closest to me, though... see it. The truth is, we all struggle with insecurity issues for whatever reason.

This week, I was at a ladies retreat of around thirty women I have worked with or been affiliated with for twenty eight years. It was one of the best retreats I have been to in a long time. The reason being, we became honest with each other. Women who gave the appearance of never having inner struggles and self assurance, opened up and shared their fears and insecurity. One of the women I had known for twenty eight years was of the Martha personality and I am more like a Mary. Unknowingly, she has crushed my spirit on a few occasions. For years I have felt inferior around her and ashamed that I did not have her zeal, energy and passion. Nor did I have her organizational skills. At the retreat, she was the main speaker. I must admit... and I am ashamed to say it, I was not looking forward to listening to her speak for three days. I had already preconceived in my mind that I was not going to like what she had to say.

The first evening started as she shared her life story beginning with her grandmother, mother and then herself. She had beautiful pictures of her family to show us. As her story unfolded, we were all on the edge of our seats, enthralled by every word she spoke. She shared the good, the bad and the ugly. She had lived a life of privilege, never really wanting for anything... except the things that money cannot buy. As she shared her story, I was amazed at my heart attitude toward her. I felt a love open up in my heart for her that I had never felt before. I was wishing I had known this years before. As she continued to speak the rest of the week, I couldn't take notes fast enough to capture all of the things I wanted to remember that she had said. We were two completely different people who looked at life somewhat differently and yet the same. By the end of the week, I admired her transparency with us, and her honesty. It is not easy to get honest and allow others to see inside. At least for me, that is something I have always struggled with. During this retreat though, I felt comfortable to share some of my insecurities and fears. I think that is the first step in getting to a healthier place in our lives. We need to stop hiding and walk out onto the front porch, sit on the swing... and enjoy the" Sonshine" in our lives. Little by little, as we sit in the light... as we begin to feel safe in our relationship with other people... as we feel safe in our relationship with the Lord, we realize that a lot of the fears we have are unfounded. Often, the event or thing we fear never materializes and we have wasted a lot of time and energy just thinking about it.

The Bible encourages us to walk in the light. 1 John 1:7 says, "But if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, His Son, purifies us from all sin."

Luke, chapter 8 talks about a lamp on a stand. "No one lights a lamp and hides it in a jar or puts it under a bed. Instead, he puts it on a stand, so that those who come in can see the light. For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open. Therefore consider carefully how you listen. Whoever has will be given more; whoever does not have, even what he thinks he has will be taken from him." (verses 16-18)

Matthew 5: 14-16 also encourages us: "You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.

I don't have anything prepared for what I was going to write today. Normally I think throughout the week what I'm going to write, and then at the last minute change my mind and write about something else. I didn't do that this week, so now I'm here thinking about what I should write, but don't have anything to change my mind on.

I've been super busy this week. Not that I'm complaining, but it starts to catch up on you. Work has been insane. If I didn't have things to do after work, I could probably stay there all day. Today, however, we get a new girl. She's going to answer phones for me. Part of me is excited. Part of me is uncertain. It'll be great to have someone to answer the phones, make the coffee, do all the menial tasks that I never get around to doing, but on the other hand, I have to train her. So, as one of my coworkers said so well, I'll train her for a few days and then I'll be able to work again. Awesome.

You know the other thing I'm uncertain about? Who's she going to be? (This is wonderfully playing into our whole insecurity talk.) I know she's in her younger to mid twenties, so around my age (I'm 21), but other than that she's a mystery. And here's the thing. I'll tell you the thing. What I am worried about is wether or not there is going to be another person there for me to compare myself to and come up wanting.

Right now there are four woman that work in my office, but only one of them is around my age. I love her to bits, but there are those days when she walks into the office and I just cringe because she looks so good, (she is beautiful) and here I am, having 'one of those days'. I seem to have a lot more than her. And then there's also the fact that I don't think she's gone home on time in weeks. She's super busy as well, but she's also really good at her job and she doesn't have that thought process that says, 'oh well I'm off now so I'll do this tomorrow.' I've gotten better, and worked rather hard, to stop comparing myself to her, but today... new girl comes. I can't help but think that the whole process is going to start again.

I'm also worried that she's going to be super smart and work her way up and essentially kick me out of my job. Stupid fears because I know that my coworkers like me and I know that I'm good at my job, and I don't think my job description will be changing soon (except the receptionist part can be taken out now (: ). I just really don't want my boss to decide he likes her better and would rather her be his assistant. That would suck. I love my job, and am so blessed to have it and the thought of anyone threatening it really freaks me out.

So, here's what I'm going to do. I am going to remember the truth about who I am, not based on what the world says (or that tiny voice in the back of my head), but rather on what God says. He created me and I am fearfully and wonderfully made. So there. (My little statement of defiance directed at the thoughts in my head, not you!). Also, God is the one that gave me this job, I know that for a fact. If something happens to it, then that is up to God and whatever he has in store for me will be great. Up to this point, however, he has only blessed me and so I really don't think I need to worry. Cuz what does worry do? According to Matthew 6: 25-34... it does jack squat.

A few weeks ago, I commented about a book I was reading that a co-worker had been reading that looked intriguing. It was written by a woman journalist who successfully passed herself off as a man for 18 months to discover, as much as is possible by a woman, what it is like to be a man. She joined a bowling league, got a job, lived for a while in a monastery, joined a self-help group, and even dated a few women. (In the end, she always came clean to the people she befriended.) Her observations and conclusions were quite perceptive and insightful as she grappled with the physical, emotional and relational aspects of manhood in North American culture.

I would like to share with you a sentence from her conclusion that is interesting in light of our discussion on insecurity. From the male perspective, "There is always someone hanging over my shoulder taking notes... and hearing encouragement was always better than being demeaned, but it was insulting just the same, because it told me that just being me wasn't good enough."

Just being me wasn't good enough.

Seems that insecurity is a common human condition. While I already knew this, and can definitely relate as a woman, it made me sad to read about the pain men are living with because of it. It would seem that there is nothing to be done. Even encouragement is insulting. Makes me want to cry... and it makes me mad.

But that is not the end of the matter. There is God. There is something to be done. Halleluiah.

So Long, Insecurity...Week 2

How thrilled I have been to read your comments and get your emails! And how wonderful it is to grow together and encourage one another in our journeys! You really are amazing and beautiful and I can't help but get nearly emotional when I think of us as a group of sisters...not really connected in life, but connected by Jesus growing together in freedom. And to our sisters in Anacortes and North Carolina...I only wish you could have seen my smile when I saw that you had come to the table!

Speaking of coming to the table...I am in Revelstoke right now with my family. My husband and son LOVE to snowboard and we were invited by friends of ours to join them here at their parents house. The grandparents are currently enjoying warmer weather somewhere else so the eight of us (two families of four) fit quite comfortably in their sweet house only 1o minutes from the mountain.

Last night was a wonderful experience for me, as family tradition did not stop just because the grandparents were out of town and we were here. Every Sunday night in this house is "Family Dinner". Around 5:30...the door started opening and family started walking in....each one with a dish to share. The kitchen table was moved over, another table was added to it and over 20 people gathered around to laugh, share and eat together. It was beautiful. We felt totally blessed because we didn't know any of these people when we came here but were completely welcomed...and seriously, treated like family. I loved it.

Last night's dinner was a beautiful picture of what it means for me to come to the table here at Soul Kitchen. We don't all know each other but we can come together in a common bond and share life. It's good, and I love it.

Soooo....about life....I love the book. I keep reading ahead and then coming back. I've been more aware of my insecurities lately because I guess I'm studying myself. In a way, it reminds me of something a friend of mine used to say when she was about to share something that made her feel vulnerable. It sort of feels like standing naked on the coffee table. And I have kind of felt like that lately. I wouldn't say I like it...but I believe God is allowing me to see things in my life that haven't been healthy. Things I haven't even really noticed before, but are there. The fact that I'm actually noticing my insecurities for what they are though...shows me that I'm moving forward and that's awesome!

Here are Beth's questions from So Long, Insecurity Discussion Group Two.

"Read or thoroughly review CHAPTERS THREE and FOUR then answer the questions that follow this paragraph. Remember to add your basic bio information every time you comment: First name, age decade, married or single, city, state. If at any time, your answer is too vulnerable for you to want to identify yourself, just go with age decade and married or single status. Those facts themselves bring insight to your answers."

1. Based on Chapter Three, what tends to be your own "Prominent False Positive"?

2. What is the challenge stated at the very end of Chapter Three? (I want us to see this restated in our comments hundreds of times so it breaks into our belief systems. It is critical to our journey. SO, I don't care how many times you've seen it written on this post, write it again for yourself. That's your mama talking.)

3. Based on Chapter Four, what Biblical figure (or statement about him/her) resonated with you most and why?

If you don't have the book yet...the definition of a prominent false positive is this: one thing that we think would make us more secure in all things. (Page 36)

My writing time is running out so I will have to answer the questions myself a little later. I love you sisters...each one. Praying for you this week as we all grow together.

Julie

We have been set free

For all that is in the world-
the lust (cravings/desires) of the flesh,
and the lust of the eyes
and the pride of life/vain glory of life/ostentation of the life/ boastful pride of what one has (possessions) and does-
IS NOT OF THE FATHER
but is of the world.
1 John 2:16

As we talk about insecurity, I think that this verse is very explicit in showing us what insecurity is all about. Did you notice it's a worldly thing? and it's not from God? We have been so duped into all these things by putting our hope in ourselves and those around us... instead of God. No wonder we are insecure - because we cannot deliver.

And the world is passing away, and the lust of it; but he who does the will of God abides forever.
1 John 2:17

This is good news! The world is passing away and the lust that goes with it! Let's let it go out of our lives! Why do we insist on clinging so tightly to it and nurture it as a consuming, constant friend? I love the second part of Beth Moore's book title. So Long, Insecurity you've been a bad friend to us. Sisters, Who really is Our Friend? Who are we longing to be like? Who do we really desire?

The world is passing away and all the junk that goes with it, but we who love and live for Jesus - we will live forever with Him. And at that time we will see Jesus in all of His radiant glory. And we will participate in what John tells us about in Revelation 5:11-14
Then I looked, and I heard around the throne and the living creatures and the elders the voice of many angels, numbering myriads of myriads and thousands of thousands, saying with a loud voice,
"Worthy is the Lamb who was slain,
to receive power
and wealth
and wisdom
and might
and honor
and glory
and blessing!"
And I heard every creature in heaven and on earth and under the earth and in the sea, and all that is in them, saying,
"To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb
be blessing and honor and glory and might forever and ever!"
And the four living creatures said, "Amen!" and the elders fell down and worshiped.

So, why are we craving and fighting for all those things for ourselves? Only the Lamb is worthy. Only the One who sites on the throne is worthy of "blessing and glory and wisdom and thanksgiving and honor and power and might." Rev 7:12
Father, we have followed the fallen one instead of You. We have been deceived and agreed with the lies he has spoken to our hearts... and we have been so tormented as a result. We need you to free us. You have come to bring freedom.

I have personally known the torment of being in bondage to the lies of the enemy resulting in chronic, consuming self-consciousness. I also know the exhilarating freedom that Christ brings through truth. Praise God!!! We can live free! I know this, for I have been marvelously freed from insecurity.

There are those moments, though. As Beth asks, "When was the last time you came face-to-face with our gender’s massive struggle with insecurity? Describe the setting." Latest one...
My husband and I were on our way to Vancouver to take in the Olympics. We were going with another couple for the entire day. The plan was to walk around the city taking in the Olympic spirit, stop for a bite to eat at lunch, go to the men's Canada/Switzerland hockey game, and then go out for dinner.

As I dressed in the morning, I considered what would be the most appropriate for what we were doing. I chose jeans, a red shirt - wishing I had borrowed my daughter-in-law's red Canada t-shirt to put overtop so I'd be even more patriotic - a warm jacket and a red scarf. The next question was shoes. I usually need some help with this, so I did what I usually do. I put one runner on one foot and my boot on the other foot and went to ask my husband's opinion. "Boots." The insecurity started here. "What's wrong with runners? Would he be embarrassed of me if I wore runners?" Furthest thing from my rather "fashionless" husband, but the enemy was priming me for what was to come.

We met the other couple at our meeting place. They hopped out to get into our vehicle. When I saw her, the first thing I thought was, "Uhh... are we going to the same place?"

I wish I had a picture to show you, but if you just imagine a gorgeous model walking the run-way in New York, you'll have seen her. Not one bit of an an exaggeration, girls! She was in a funky black and white coat over a black skirt (at dinner later, I found out it actually was a dress), black leather high-healed boots with the coolest designer stockings, a white scarf, perfectly coiffed hair, and designer sun-glasses and purse to complete the outfit. I had dressed for the game; she had dressed for dinner. I thought I had dressed for dinner too... but obviously not. Smile.

I was talking to myself all the way to Vancouver- a "pep talk" really... in my head, so no one would know what was going on! I needed to speak some truth in the onslaught of the lies that were being shot rapid-fire at me! Guess what? God helped me get past the comparison, competition, insecurity garbage and we had a super fun and meaningful time together.

God has come to give us life in all its fullness. We must be on our guard against the schemes of the enemy to rob us of the joy and peace God has freed us for. Let's stand firm in our freedom, sisters!

That Seat is Taken

Julie asked a question the other day relating to insecurity. She asked, "When was the last time you came face to face with our gender's massive struggle with insecurity?"

The last time was possibly 30 seconds ago when I thought about a song I am going to sing at a ladies retreat next week. The time before that was 10 minutes ago when I thought about the same thing. And the time before that was 20 minutes ago when I...

It is hard to believe how many times a day I have to fight off negative thoughts like, "Why did you agree to sing anyway? You could save yourself a lot of stress if you had just said, "no." You will just make a fool out of yourself... again." It's interesting though. I know where those thoughts come from. That is partly why I agree to do it; to prove to the one who whispers those lies to me, that they are not true. Yet, he is relentless in his pursuit to douse me with fear and insecurity as he lights a match to the anxiety that flickers and smolders within me.

A few years ago, my husband and I were attending a missions conference. We have been involved in a ministry for 28 years and had been invited to come and be a part of the conference at a church in North Carolina. We have been to many conferences so we know the rules. You listen and do everything the missions pastor tells you to do. The program has been planned and sometimes has been in the planning stages for at least a year.

The opening night of the missions conference, involved a dinner put on by the church. I would say there were at least 400 to 500 people that were in attendance for the evening, possibly more than that. The goal of the evening was for us to get to know people and share around the table what God was doing in our field of work. There were a lot of missionary's there from all over the world. I was fine with that until I realized my husband and I were assigned to different tables. I had heard a missionary wife ask the missions pastor pleadingly if she could sit at the table with her husband. She looked so frightened; fearful and desperate. I had that same fear and felt sorry for her when the pastor said, "No, you must sit at your assigned table." One of my problems and I have learned to deal with it better over the years, is that I have a hard time eating and talking at the same time to complete strangers. And usually, at this type of thing, you are asked a lot of questions that require a lot of explanations. So, sometimes my food goes mostly untouched.

On this occasion, the auditorium was decorated beautifully and looked like a fine restaurant. I walked around trying to find the table with my name placard on it. My husband had found his table already across the room from me. It appeared that he would be sitting with people that he knew. I was also hoping that I would know someone at my table. As I continued walking around and looking at all of the names on the tables... I finally found mine. I pulled out a chair to sit down and glanced around the room. It was buzzing with activity. There was a lady already sitting at my table and just as I was about to ease my anxious filled body into the chair, she said to me, "That seat is taken." "Oh," I said, "I'm sorry." The table had been set for six people so I moved to the next chair. As I pulled it towards me, she said, "That seat is taken too." I mumbled another apology and began to pull out one more chair. "As a matter of fact," she said, "all of these seats are taken." I looked at the lady and my "name placard" on the table and said, " I have to sit here, I am hosting this table." To this she replied, "Go find another table to sit at, this one is full." "Besides... she said, I have invited my friends to sit at this table and they have done mission work in..."

By this time, the other people had arrived and were sitting down. I was left standing and trying desperately to will away any tears that might betray my insecurity to please not embarrass me in front of all of these people. I glanced over at my husbands table and was wishing with all of my heart to be at his table. All of the other tables were seated and the mission's pastor had begun to say the evening prayer before dinner. As I stood there, trying to decide what to do... one of the men at the table either felt sorry for me or was embarrassed for me. Coffee and tea was already being served and the food was soon to come when he jumped up and said, "We can make room, I'm sure we can find another chair." It wasn't just the chair, it was also the dinnerware. I had no place setting at the table. As a matter of fact... by this time, the thought of eating food and socializing with this woman and her friends made my stomach churn. Food was the farthest thought from my mind. I tried desperately to pull myself together, compose my thoughts and sit down as graciously as I could. What would you rate my security level on a scale of one to ten?

As I sat among the people at the table, God gave me the grace I needed to get through the dinner. I smiled, I talked politely and I was gracious. But deep down in my soul... Satan tried to convince me that I was not good enough to sit at this table. The lady across from me had an air of superiority, wealth and social status. At least that is what I saw through my almost, mist- filled eyes. And yet... I did not envy her or desire to be anything like her. I was actually happy to be who I was. I'm sure I had more peace in my heart when I crawled into bed that night than she did. Often, we find ourselves in situations that we had rather not be in but they can be used to our advantage. I prayed constantly and carried on a conversation with Jesus at the table. I asked for His grace, mercy and even tolerance. He assured me that I would be okay and I was...

So... as I go to my ladies retreat next week... I know that God is going to be with me. I'm sure that I will still have to fight some anxious thoughts between now and then but I know that God loves me and I really don't have to worry about it. I know that part of the security issue is trusting God. The other part is to stop looking inward and seeing ourselves in a lesser light than God sees us.

It's a GIRL!

This morning I posted my blog about a boy that I was expecting to be coming to me shortly and, this evening, after I got home from work, guess who arrived???

Not who I expected.

I opened the mailbox and saw the envelope with the Compassion stamp. I raced inside, nearly closing the door on my dog, bounded up the stairs, ran to my room and grabbed my sweater. I wanted to be comfortable for this. I had to keep telling myself that I'd waited this long and could wait a few seconds longer. I curled up in my dad's big comfy chair and ripped open the envelope. Slowly I pulled the pages out and slowly I flipped them open to reveal...

Erehemat Asmare, 4 years old, from Ethiopia. A girl.

It took me a minute to figure out that she wasn't the boy I had been looking for. I had finished reading her biography and had to re-read it because the words they used didn't seem to line up with the male gender. In fact, I thought they had written more about his sister than about him. And then I read it again. Oh.

I wish I could say that I was thrilled with the arrival of this dear one, but I can't. I was actually, I'm sorry to say, disappointed. I had been looking forward to my boy. I had been praying for 'him'. So it was quite a shock to see a little girl staring at me from the page. I couldn't understand how it was a 'her' instead of a 'him'. I had asked for a 'him'.

I ended up putting the picture aside and wondering, now what?

I'll tell you now what. Now I'm going to love my little girl. She's gorgeous. I wish I had a scanner so I could scan her picture into the computer and show her off to you all. You would think she's gorgeous too. I'm going to have to come up with a nickname. A term of endearment. Maddy.. or something.

So, I didn't get quite what I was expecting, but maybe this girl needs my help more than I realize... I don't know, but God knows and so I shall just have to change my prayers from a 'him' to a 'her'.

I love my girl already.

My Boy

I am unimpressed. I am unimpressed, anxious, excited and tired of waiting.

Two weeks ago, no make that two weeks and two days (we're talking business days. It would be two weeks and four days if I was counting weekends), I sponsored a child with Compassion. I was sitting at work, it was a slow day, and was on BibleGateway.com. One of the ads they had on the website was for Compassion and the ad was telling me to sponsor a child today. So I thought to myself, "Self, you've been wanting so sponsor a child for a while, why not do it today like Compassion is telling you to?" So, with a shrug of my shoulders, I clicked the link and ended up on the Compassion website.

Have you ever been to that website? Have you ever browsed through the pictures of all the children waiting for a sponsor?? It's heartbreaking! I sat there, scrolling through image after image of all these children, some smiling, some not, all of them waiting in hopes for some unknown person in some far off land to click their picture. Some of them had a heart in the upper left hand corner of their picture. That meant that they had been waiting over six months for a sponsor. Talk about heart breaking. Then there were those that had a red ribbon in the upper right hand corner of their picture meaning they lived in an area that was known to have Aids. To make matters worse, some of them had BOTH!

I couldn't do it. I couldn't choose one. I couldn't, in good consciousness, look at one little child and pick him or her over the one next to them. It wasn't possible. So I let Compassion choose for me. Easier that way, right? I gave some specifications as to what I wanted (I wanted a little boy and him to be an orphan) and then I let the powers that be do the rest. And then I waited. And waited. And waited. They told me that it would be about 15 days before I would get a packet containing my little boys picture and information. So, for the first two weeks I was patient. These things take time. Those 15 days, by my count, are up. Patience has reached it's end.

I want my little boy! I love him already and I can't wait to meet him. I want to know what his name is, how old he is, where he lives, what kind of life he leads. I want to write him letters, even though he will probably never respond. I want to make a difference in his life and I want to do it all NOW! Every day I get home from work and check the mailbox. If it's empty I go inside the house and look to where the mail normally is. Thus far, I have been disappointed. It's a highlight in my day, realizing that when I get home, he might be waiting for me, my dear little one.

Maybe this is another one of God's ways of teaching me patience. I know I'm not the most patient person out there, but come on! I'm waiting for that money to be taken off my credit card meaning that he, whoever he is, has gotten some much needed necessities. I realize that Compassion is a big company and there are thousands of children that need sponsors, but I really want my boy!

So, I wait. And to my little one out there, know that I am waiting for you and am praying for you. And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go check the mail.

Rolled Away

I've been reading through the Old Testament. Quite slowly, actually. I am enjoying how much of Jesus there is. It is rich and full. I love seeing how all the promises of God have their "yes" in Jesus Christ. (2 Corinthians 1:20)

And the LORD said to Joshua, "Today I have rolled away the reproach of Egypt from you."

A little word study, if you don't mind, and even if you do:) The Hebrew word for "rolled away" means to roll off, or away from anyone. Not too surprising.

The same word is used in Genesis 29:3 in reference to rolling a stone away from the mouth of a well.

Of course, these word are reminiscent of the stone being rolled away from the opening of Jesus' tomb. And (the women) found the stone rolled away from the tomb. Luke 24:2 (I love it that it was the women who discovered it first!)

I believe that the Lord rolling away the reproach of Egypt was a foreshadowing of what Jesus would do when the stone was rolled away from his tomb.

First, let's look at the word "reproach".

From the dictionary (I love my dictionary. I keep it right beside my Bible.)

v. to express disapproval or criticism.

n. 1. Blame; rebuke. 2. Disgrace; shame.

God rolled away the reproach of Egypt. (Rolled it right off, away from them - according to the Hebrew word) Egypt, for them, meant slavery and bondage, a dishonorable reputation in the history of their people, causing shame and disgrace among the nations. God was removing this from them as they entered into the land they were to inhabit. The kings of the Amorites and the Canaanites had heard that God had dried up the waters of the Jordan river so the Israelites could cross over it, and "their hearts melted and there was no longer any spirit in them". They were afraid. God changed the status of the Israelites, in the eyes of the nations, and in his own as well.

This, I believe, is exactly what God did for us when he rolled away the tombstone from Jesus' grave. I believe God's use of a stone laid across the entrance to Jesus' tomb was intentional. Listen to this: (this is fantastic!) "And you, who once were alienated and hostile in mind, doing evil deeds, he has now reconciled in his body of flesh by his death, in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before him..." Colossians 1:21-22a

We were once in slavery to sin, alienated from God, hostile to him in our thinking and rebellious toward him with our actions. We deserved blame, disapproval, criticism, shame and rebuking. But all that, like the stone in front of the tomb, through the death and resurrection of Jesus, has been rolled away. You, dear sister, if you are a Christian, are above reproach, holy, and blameless. Did you hear that? Blameless. There is no more reason for God to express to you disapproval or criticism. He does not rebuke you, and there is no more reason to walk in shame or disgrace. It's all forgiven. He holds nothing against you, but holds you in high esteem.

This may sound a little too bold, but I think our whole thing with insecurity could be rolled away (I used those words intentionally) if you and I personally believed this deep down and lived as if it were true, which it totally is. I really believe that like the nations who were waiting to be annihilated by the Israelites were melting in fear, so does the enemy who recognizes a Christian who knows her God, what he has made her, the authority he's given her, and the standing she has in his sight. Blame, rebuking, criticism and disapproval DO NOT come from God. Our enemy is a master at using these things to keep us back "in Egypt".

Today, I have rolled away the reproach of Egypt from you. - God, to the Israelites

Today, because you have been reconciled to me by the death of my son, you are holy, blameless and above reproach. - God, to you.

So Long, Insecurity...Week One

Oh Sisters...it's been a long week waiting for my turn to post. But now that it's here...I'm feeling insecure!! What's with that?

I've had so much fun hearing back from many of you through email and even connecting with some of you in person. Quite a few of you have said that you are reading the book, that you love it but you couldn't help yourselves and that you have already read ahead! That's hilarious. And I'm with you.

You know...I have no expectations with this. There aren't really any rules. My biggest desire is just to walk through this book together and face whatever the Lord brings out for us. And my eyes are filling up with tears here but it's not because I think you need me to do that for you. It's because I want you to be here with me.

You see, insecurity is a terribly lonely place. And now that I've realized insecurity has more than one face....I've been noticing it everywhere in my life and part of me understands that this is really good so that Jesus can begin healing me of it. The other part of me just hates it because just seeing my insecurities actually makes me feel more insecure! Does that make sense? Anyway...I don't like admitting stuff like that.

So here we go. Here are Beth's questions from Chapter One and Chapter Two. (I know, I know...I only told you to read up to chapter One...sorry...but I have a feeling most of you already read past it anyway!)

1. Read the Introduction, Chapter One, and Chapter Two. Our first question is based on Chapter One: When was the last time you came face-to-face with our gender’s massive struggle with insecurity? Describe the setting.

2. This question is based on Chapter Two: what part of the definition or description of insecurity resonated most with you and why? (from Page 17)

For those of you who don't have the book yet, here is the definition of insecurity on page 17:

"Insecurity refers to a profound sense of self-doubt--a deep feeling of uncertainty about our basic worth and our place in the world. Insecurity is associated with chronic self-consciousness, along with a chronic lack of confidence in ourselves and anxiety about our relationships. The insecure man or woman lives in constant fear of rejection and a deep uncertainty about whether his or her own feelings and desires are legitimate."

For those of you that have had trouble commenting...just click on the word comments below. You then have to choose an identity. If you do not have a google account, I think the easiest way is to click anonymous. You also have to type in the funny looking letters in the box and then you can post your comment.

Sisters...I can't tell you how much it means to me to do this with you. You are a true blessing in my life.

" Thank you so much Jesus for these precious women. I love each one."

Julie