A lot of times, when I played hide and seek, there was no one playing with me. I was the middle child of seven children. I had four brothers and two sisters. Sometimes... just to see if I would be missed by anyone, I would hide, usually behind two doors that came together in the kitchen. I would stand there and wait until someone would say, "Have you seen Mary?" Sometimes, I felt as though I had been standing there for hours... just waiting. My siblings and Mother would come and go into the kitchen and I could hear everything they were saying but they did not know I was there. Eventually, someone would mention my name and someone else would say, "No, I don't know where she is." After a while, I would come out laughing and tell them I had been in the kitchen the whole time.
Hiding wasn't just a fun thing for me, though, it became a way of escape. I found that was the safest place for me to be. Because I grew up in a family of addictions and abuse, I learned early as a child to pretend that everything was okay. I also learned to keep hidden the darkness that penetrated the rooms of the house I lived in. So, over a period of time, I learned to hide, from family, and friends, from school officials and even people in the neighborhood church that I attended. If you keep shoving stuff in but never releasing it, you know that eventually something is going to happen and you will be exposed. Living in that fear, fills your life with insecurity. Some of my childhood fears have followed me into adulthood. A lot of people never see that insecurity in me though... but it's there, underneath the smiles, the pleasant conversations, the seeming appearance of having it altogether. Those who are closest to me, though... see it. The truth is, we all struggle with insecurity issues for whatever reason.
This week, I was at a ladies retreat of around thirty women I have worked with or been affiliated with for twenty eight years. It was one of the best retreats I have been to in a long time. The reason being, we became honest with each other. Women who gave the appearance of never having inner struggles and self assurance, opened up and shared their fears and insecurity. One of the women I had known for twenty eight years was of the Martha personality and I am more like a Mary. Unknowingly, she has crushed my spirit on a few occasions. For years I have felt inferior around her and ashamed that I did not have her zeal, energy and passion. Nor did I have her organizational skills. At the retreat, she was the main speaker. I must admit... and I am ashamed to say it, I was not looking forward to listening to her speak for three days. I had already preconceived in my mind that I was not going to like what she had to say.
The first evening started as she shared her life story beginning with her grandmother, mother and then herself. She had beautiful pictures of her family to show us. As her story unfolded, we were all on the edge of our seats, enthralled by every word she spoke. She shared the good, the bad and the ugly. She had lived a life of privilege, never really wanting for anything... except the things that money cannot buy. As she shared her story, I was amazed at my heart attitude toward her. I felt a love open up in my heart for her that I had never felt before. I was wishing I had known this years before. As she continued to speak the rest of the week, I couldn't take notes fast enough to capture all of the things I wanted to remember that she had said. We were two completely different people who looked at life somewhat differently and yet the same. By the end of the week, I admired her transparency with us, and her honesty. It is not easy to get honest and allow others to see inside. At least for me, that is something I have always struggled with. During this retreat though, I felt comfortable to share some of my insecurities and fears. I think that is the first step in getting to a healthier place in our lives. We need to stop hiding and walk out onto the front porch, sit on the swing... and enjoy the" Sonshine" in our lives. Little by little, as we sit in the light... as we begin to feel safe in our relationship with other people... as we feel safe in our relationship with the Lord, we realize that a lot of the fears we have are unfounded. Often, the event or thing we fear never materializes and we have wasted a lot of time and energy just thinking about it.
The Bible encourages us to walk in the light. 1 John 1:7 says, "But if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, His Son, purifies us from all sin."
Luke, chapter 8 talks about a lamp on a stand. "No one lights a lamp and hides it in a jar or puts it under a bed. Instead, he puts it on a stand, so that those who come in can see the light. For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open. Therefore consider carefully how you listen. Whoever has will be given more; whoever does not have, even what he thinks he has will be taken from him." (verses 16-18)
Matthew 5: 14-16 also encourages us: "You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.
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