I've had a rough few weeks and I'm not really seeing the light on the horizon. I've been close to tears multiple times and it was really only the company I've been with that's held them back. Don't get me wrong, it hasn't all been bad, but it's been a struggle to act...normal.
God's a funny guy, I'm sitting in my room typing this and I just had a little bit of an 'ahhh' moment. I paused at the end of a sentence and was thinking about insecurities, because, lets face it, they're a big part of why I've been feeling the way I do. And here's what He revealed to me, my 'ahhh' moment: I am not willing to give up my insecurities. Hold on a minute, let me explain.
I have a few insecurities, but my major one is how I look. I have my good days where I think I look pretty fine, but then I have my days where my hair doesn't work, or my face doesn't work or my clothes don't work. Those days I can deal with pretty well (I think), but the days I can't deal with are fat days. Those are the days I just want to crawl right back into my pj's and stay under the covers. I really don't like looking at myself if I'm not feeling pretty, or if I'm feeling fat. It's hard to leave my bedroom in the morning.
One would think that would be something I would want to be free of, right? And I do! I really do, but here's the catch. Here's where the 'ahhh' comes in. I am not willing to just give up my insecurity and be free of it, rather, I want to be free, but my way. That make sense? I want God to free me by fixing the things in me I don't like. Not just making it so they don't bother me anymore. So fat days? I want God to make it so fat days wouldn't happen cuz I would look in the mirror and see otherwise.
I know I'm not fat, not close, but there parts of me I would change, parts of me that bother me more than others. (I'm trying to type and talk with my hands at the same time and it's becoming quite difficult) So, I want God to fix those things so they don't bother me anymore. Fix them, not my attitude. I'm not quite sure how to go about letting God fix me. I know he's really good at it, as he's done it before, but this time seems different. These are life long issues that I have and not knowing life without them seems to make freedom God's way an impossibility. I can't imagine feeling good about myself without changing the parts of me that I want changed.
Oh goodness, I just had an aha moment (This morning just seems to be full of 'moment's). The last sentence of the paragraph right above this one used to read, "I can't imagine feeling good about myself without fixing the parts of me that I want fixed." In fact the entire last paragraph used 'fix' quite often. Umm, does that sound wrong to anyone else? Or is it just me? There are two sides of me that are at war right now. One side is saying, "Babe, they do need to be fixed. Fixed as in they're don't look the way they should look. Fixed is the right word." The other side is saying, "Fixed? Like their's something wrong with you? Really??!" I'll admit the latter is the quieter voice. I'm so used to listening to the first one.
I want freedom, I want to feel good about myself and I want to trust that freedom means just that, freedom no matter how I look. I want to trust God with my looks, after all, he created me, he knew what he was doing.
It's a lot to sort through, and I'm nowhere near the finish line, but, 'since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.' (Hebrews 12:1) -BTW, my english teachers would have been so proud of the way I integrated that verse into the sentence. Classic essay writing.
That's what I want to do. I want to throw off everything that hinders me and run with perseverance the race marked for me. My insecurities hinder me a lot. I've got more than just my looks and I'm ready for God to work in me and bring me to freedom. So, (raises glass for a toast) here's to freedom, God's way.
Hey blessed child!
ReplyDeleteIt is s o awesome that you were able to identify which of your thoughts caused the most misery! Do you know that so many people get so mixed up with what their thoughts are and what their feelings are. They are so truly connected and yet so different. Do you know today at my seniors exercises I realized that I forgot to put my tighter undies (I put on two in case your really wanted to know this) and so became conscious of me holding my breath, pulling my tummy in and trying not to look too bulgie below my belly button. Finally I could hold it in no longer and blurted out to our group of 6 seniors how difficult it was without my holding panties to keep holding the lower 2 bulges in. Of course this all sounds so gross to me revealing all this to you, but the other ladies sympathized and said they too wear a girdle, and one lady actually padded both of the same bulges that I try hard to hide. I am in a similar place like you with this fat issue, and I know I eat for comfort in my case. I do pray that I would change and just reduce portions, but perhaps I still don't mean business with God in this respect. I still need release I am sure and I'll pray for you as you might say a little prayer for me. I love you and just want to let you know that with more fat or not, you are a beautiful lady, both spiritually, physically (the word is gorgeous)and mentally. You are perfect, and not like anyone else, (comparison is awful, placing a value judgment on yourself,(usually lower than others)hurts us, but, appreciating someone else's qualities rather (after many years of practice) inspires me. Well dear, so much for my little sermons. Hope you know they are just little tidbits to encourage you. dancing girl.
You spoke my heart and it's almost as if you knew what I'm feeling and experiencing. Woke up this week with a huge zit on my cheek and I'm supposed to be past this.... it was so huge and now I've got layers of coverup on there so I can feel prettier. When I feel this way I hide at home and miss out on opportunities to visit with people. I had someone stop me today and wanted to chat and I pretended I was in a hurry so she wouldn't have to see this ugly zit that is covered up. I struggle with my weight and wish I was as slim as my sisters. I compare myself to them. My one sister made a comment to me about someone she saw last week who had lost lots of weight and she says, "she's your size...." I was quite offended and didn't share that with her but have internalized that comment. I am asking God daily to allow myself to see myself through His eyes... that He loves me and has created me. I feel like I constantly slap God in the face when I criticize myself. Thanks for what you wrote. I couldn't have said it better.
ReplyDeleteWow!!! You go girl! I loved hearing your heart on this and I agree with my other sisters as I could totally relate with where you've been and where your precious heart is going. I loved your second 'aha' senctence..."I can't imagine feeling good about myself without changing the parts of me that I want changed." Why is it so hard for us to believe that we are beautiful and cherished and valued just the way we are? You know...I have also struggled with this in the physical sense but my 'aha' moment came while I was reading your post when Jesus told me that I think the same way about parts of my heart that I want changed. I have often thought that I would be more beautiful to Jesus or bring more joy to Him or be loved more by Him once all the things that are messed up in my life or heart or mind are fixed. The outcome is still the same. I'm striving for perfection and I can never get there...it's never enough. The greatest Lover in the Universe, loves us right now...unperfected, flawed and in-progress...We bring him joy and he thinks we're beautiful. I haven't seen the show but I've seen it advertised...'How to look good naked', Well...this may come out awkward but no matter how you look at it...Jesus loves us...naked.
ReplyDeleteJulie
I must say, Blessed Child, that as I read your heart today... I sensed Jesus' smile through it all... as you heard Him, as He gave you the 'aaahhh' moments, as you leaned your ears towards Him, as you allowed Him to shine His light on your thoughts... and His smile is also there because He knows your heart longs to listen, to heed, to take courage, and to be set free... and it is for your freedom that He came. You are a delight to Him... even before the 'aaahhh' moments:) Thank you for encouraging me with your journey! Doretha
ReplyDelete