He sees me.

A couple of weeks ago I received some discouraging news. Bear with me as I explain ...

I have been teaching for 8 years now. I LOVE my job, however, the politics that I have encountered surrounding my job have made it frustrating, to say the least. To make a long story short, it has taken me 8 years to get a permanent position. Last year I became permanent. This meant that for the first time I not only knew where I was going to be the following September, but also I would enjoy my first experience of teaching at the same school two years in a row. It is so hard bouncing around between schools. You aren't able to build relationships with either colleagues or students, and it usually means a whole lot more planning due to each school having different resources to work with. But this no longer mattered, as I was permanent! I was praising God that I finally had reached this point.

A couple of weeks ago, I was called to a meeting where my department was told that we were overstaffed and unless someone volunteered to transfer to another school, the staff member with the least amount of seniority was going to be "surplused" (a nicer way of saying "kicked out and moved to another school"). That staff member happens to be me! I left the meeting, after being comforted by my colleagues (we all knew no one would volunteer), and wept on my way home. A couple of days later I received the official word that I no longer have a position at my school and would be transfered to another one - one which won't be made known to me for another month. Once again, I have found myself in what appears to be a system that seems to be working against me, and I just can't understand why.

I still don't understand why (or even the logistics of where I will be teaching next year), but there is something I do know. God sees me. I am studying a book called The Names of God, and there is one that I has spoken to me greatly. It is El Roi: the God who sees me. I have been so comforted by this. At the time that I was studying this name, I felt its comfort in the middle of the nights as I fed my newborn son. God saw me; He saw my tiredness and my needs. Now, months later, I am drawn to this name again. I feel as if I have been caught up in a whirlwind that I have no control over. It would seem (at least to me and my lack of divine knowledge) that this whirlwind is destructive. It is a force that I have no control over, but that is throwing me about without concern for where I want to be and what I want to have happen. But as I am uncontrollably swirling about in the vortex, God is watching, and He sees me - He may have even created the wind so as to bring about change to continue His plans for me. Either way, He is watching me. He sees the disappointment that I am feeling. He knows of the anxiety I have of moving to yet another school, and He knows where the wind will place me. While it appears that the wind is in control of me, I need to remember that even the wind is at the mercy of my God. I am choosing to replace my anxiety and disappointment with trust. Trusting in God seems easier when you know you are trusting in El Roi.

Hidden Treasure

Yesterday was such a beautiful day. After we left church, we came home, had lunch on the back deck and I settled into a lounge chair with a book. I had a hard time keeping interest in my book though, because I kept looking at all of the things that were distracting me. The bees were happily buzzing around the shrubbery, a frog had found a place on a rock in our little pond, and a turtle was trying to climb up a rock to get to the water. I could hear the laughter of the kids a few houses down mingled in with the distant noise of a lawn mower. The sunshine brought warmth to my body and soul.

Last week I spoke of how our backyard was ablaze with color. It is still true. When we first moved to our house a couple of years ago, our daughter was observing the backyard and noticed this shrubbery that covered at least a quarter to a third of the yard. At that time, it was green, and had no particular appeal. It was just a ground cover that separated the lower yard to the higher yard. She talked with us about what type of flowers we could plant if we pulled up the shrubbery. The yard had been neglected and the backyard looked more like weeds than anything else. However, this is just the type of challenge my husband enjoys. I think that is why we bought the house.

Last year after a return trip from Chicago, this is what our backyard looked like. We were so surprised! We had no idea the shrubbery would flower like this and be so beautiful. Actually, Julie had seen it before we did and couldn't wait for us to see it. We were glad we had waited before making any decisions about it.

This shrubbery reminds me of the hidden treasure in God's Word. We looked at it day after day but did not realize its true worth or beauty until it became ablaze with color. We could not take our eyes off it. That is what happens when God reveals truth to us through His Word. It becomes alive in our hearts and our eyes are opened. We discover wisdom and revelation...

As Paul prayed for the saints in Ephesus, we can pray the same thing for ourselves, our children, family and friends...

" I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know Him better." Ephesians 1:17

We are enlightened, we have hope. We have God's mighty power working in us.

"I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which He has called you, the riches of His glorious inheritance in the saints, and His incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of His mighty strength, which He exerted in Christ when He raised Him from the dead..." Ephesians 1:18-20

The same power that God raised Christ from the dead, is the same power that He is working in us... God did not bring us to Him and then leave us helpless...

"My son, if you accept my words and store up my commands within you, turning your ear to wisdom and applying your heart to understanding, and if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God.

For the Lord gives wisdom and from His mouth come knowledge and understanding. He holds victory in store for the upright, He is a shield to those whose walk is blameless, for he guards the course of the just and protects the way of His faithful ones.

Then you will understand what is right and just and fair-- every good path. For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul. Discretion will protect you, and understanding will guard you. Wisdom will save you from the ways of wicked men, from men whose words are perverse." Proverbs 2:1-12

A Promise

The Bible is full of promises from our Heavenly Father. The one that I'm sure many people know is the story of Noah and the flood, and God sending a rainbow as a sign that He would never again flood the whole earth.



But here's a promise that I found in Psalms that I don't think I'd ever read before (I changed the "he" to "she" so it would fit better):

"Because she loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue her;
I will protect her, for she acknowledges my name.
She will call upon me, and I will answer her;
I will be with her in trouble,
I will deliver her and honor her.
With long life will I satisfy her and show her my salvation."

- Psalms 91: 14-16

Now, take a moment and put your name in every spot that says "she" or "her". Isn't it amazing? God loves us so much that He protects us, delivers us, satisfies our needs, forgives us, answers when we call... He is EVERYTHING to us! What an amazing gift to know that we have the Creator of the universe watching over us. Thank you, Jesus!

Hidden Person

What do I do to kill the insecurity that suddenly appears and talks to me telling me what I certainly cannot do because what would people think of me?

Here's an example from today.
But first a cute picture of my granddaughter this morning.

I have the grand kids over today and had them for the night. Eight o'clock in the morning the door bell rings. I've been up for bit and since the bananas are all spotted and the kids love muffins, I'm in the process of mixing the muffins. I had just spilled some oil on my pink t-shirt that now serves as my pyjama shirt and the pyjama pants I chose to wear the night before have the left seam blown-out from the waist to the hip. My shirt doesn't quite cover the skin exposed and doesn't cover the fact that I'm not wearing a bra either. Hmm... What do I do?
I go to the door, open the door, crane my neck around the door to keep my body hidden. Oh... it's only the postmaster on her way to work. I've known her a long time. I babysat her kids as a teen, and her kids later babysat my kids. She was just dropping a card off for us. She hopes she didn't bother me too early. I assure her that she didn't. Hours later I still looked the same, so it actually wouldn't have mattered when she would have come!

Last week Julie asked the question from Beth Moore's So Long Insecurity chapter 15. "Name a couple of ways pertinent to your sphere of life and influence that you could look out for your own gender in our battle with insecurities. In other words, how can you (not others but you in particular) start becoming part of the solution in your female relationships rather than default into part of the problem."

The example from this morning is one way I can. I take these little opportunities to steal my resolve to not make any excuses for myself or my husband or anyone else that I may be tempted to think reflect "badly" on me. If someone drops in unexpected, and my house isn't cleaned for company (far from it, actually!), I again choose to take my focus off my "shortcomings" and make my guest my focus instead. For me, that's maybe a way that I would say that I battle the insecurity thing, and my hope is that this also gives them freedom to just be, too. Maybe they too would begin to let others see them in their real-life, natural habitat! (Trust me, if a man had been ringing the doorbell this morning and I did open the door, my body would have remained hidden behind that steal door!)

It seems to me that I've been having ample opportunities lately to choose something other than hiding behind those tempting thoughts of insecurity. Twice, I dropped in at the local supermarket and ran into an acquaintance of mine who I've only seen picture perfect. Both of these times, in my opinion, I looked pretty bad for shopping, but didn't think about it as I was working in the yard. Love drove me to go into the store when I was more than slightly embarrassed about how I looked, and love made me stop and talk to my friend instead of listening to the easy escape option so perfectly laid out before me.

Peter says that we as women shouldn't make it all about how we present on the outside.
but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart
The hidden person of the heart is where the beauty needs to come from. I know God has had to work freedom in so many areas of my heart to have that hidden person be even close to beautiful!
with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. 1 Peter 3:4

I want to have this precious beauty. I don't mind not having it all together on the outside. Besides, it's good for my pride.

The other day I was having my quiet time, which I usually do in the mornings before work, and I was sitting in bed reading my bible. I don't remember for sure what I was looking up, but I was in Matthew and had my bible laid out before me. The pages weren't fluttering, everything was fairly calm, but then one page started to turn. Seriously, I didn't do it, and the fan that I normally have blowing, wasn't focused on the bed. The page turned and the first thing I read was the story about Jesus crossing the lake with his disciples and the storm that came up and how Jesus calmed the wind and the waves. The part that struck me the most was what Jesus said to his disciples when he woke up, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?"

I went to the wedding on Saturday of one of my friends that I've known all through high school. It was a fabulous wedding and I had a lot of fun, but I couldn't help feeling lonely at times. I'm turning 22 in June (I've had a few freak-outs over that) and I'm single, with really no prospect of that ever changing. I will admit that before the wedding, I was already struggling with my life, the direction it's going (or not going) and all that stuff, but this wedding kind of hit me hard. I didn't peg any of the thoughts swirling around my head as fear, though.

So, (here's where it all ties together) when I read that sentence, it was like Jesus was asking me why I was so afraid. So, I asked myself, what am I afraid of? More than I had thought. There are things that I want, really bad, but I'm afraid that I'll screw everything up and won't get them. I'm scared that the way my life is now is the way its going to stay until I die. Two of my best friends both have big, life changing events coming up, and I don't and it scares me. The thing that scares me the most, is that I'll go on wanting these things, desiring them, but will never get them. That I'll go on wanting them forever. But then, I re-read the part where Jesus asks why the disciples are so afraid and this is what I heard in it. This could be what Jesus was thinking, "Guys, why are you scared? I'm right here! You believe that I can heal the sick, give the blind sight, that demons will obey me, but you don't think that I can handle a storm? Really? Come on!" If I believe God for somethings, why can't I believe Him for everything??

I don't have it all figured out yet. It's not like in one morning I realized that all the things that have been bothering me don't mean anything and I can let them all go to allow God to work, but at least I can "be confident of this, that he who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6. I don't want to hold on to things and, by holding on, not notice the work that Christ is doing, not pay attention to the things He is doing in me and for me. Believe you me, it's happened before.

So, let me say with the psalmist: 'I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:13-14

It's time to introduce myself...

My name is Becky (Rebecca if you're talking to my dad - he will probably correct you if you call me Becky!!). I am the mother of two abnormally amazing boys, and the wife of an equally amazing husband. I never, in a million years, could have dreamed that I would be living the life that I am. I was very driven in high school. While many of my friends were off being typical high school aged kids, I was focused on my goal of either becoming a teacher or going through Law school. While I did become a teacher, not much else turned out the way I expected it to. Getting married and having children was something that I thought I would inevitably "end up doing", but neither was a great influence on the path that I laid out for myself. That was until I started dating my husband. We were friends for 8 or so years before we started dating, and if I am honest, I shocked many people (including myself) when news of our relationship hit the waves. Pretty soon after we were married came my desire to be a mother. After having to wait longer than we hoped for our first child to come along and even longer for our second child, I am now mum to Finn and Eddie.

This is Finn. He is four and this September will be embarking on his journey through school. He loves anything to do with ocean animals and has more information in his head about whales, sharks, and other marine life than I even knew existed! He is a bright boy and so very funny. He has an incredibly inquisitive mind (hence learning all there is to know about the ocean) and is so very curious about the world around him. He is also really sensitive, both in emotion and in the subtleties of life that usually go overlooked by most others. He is, to sum up, fantastic. So fantastic that during my second pregnancy, Phil and I weren't sure how another little being could rival him. But here he is, our second little being:

This is our Edward. He is such a jovial little boy. The smile that you see in this picture is on his face most of the day. In fact, when he was four months old he was hospitalized for three days. Despite being in unfamiliar surroundings and being plagued with sickness, he smiled almost constantly. He is either smiling or laughing. On Mother's Day I had him laughing so hard that his little shoulders were heaving up and down with each giggle. He is truly amazing. Granted he doesn't do much right now - he is just getting out of the "sack of potatoes" stage of babyhood - but already Phil and I know that Finn has found a rival! The two of them together, in the same room, is too much for me sometimes. They are just phenomenal little humans.

Then there's my Phillip. (I realize this is all a bit sappy, but this is a blog for ladies, so allow me to indulge in a little sappiness!) Phil still makes my heart skip a beat when he walks in the room. He has made my life so much richer than I would have thought possible (back when I was paving the aforementioned path of my life). He has taught me more about the Father and being Christ Like than any other human source. He has exemplified love, grace, compassion and commitment in a way that has and continues to astound me.

There would be no point introducing myself without focusing on Phil, Finn and Eddie as they make up so much of who I am. Right now I fill my days by lavishing my boys with as much love as I can give them (before going back to work as a high school English teacher takes me away from them), and also by waiting anxiously for Phil to come home from work so my heart can skip that beat and so that I can share with him the amazing things our sons have done that day! I also spend my time learning (and then forgetting and then re-learning) some lessons that God is teaching me during the relative seclusion of maternity leave and in the newly found solitude (and quite often loneliness) that comes from a job that has my husband working long hours and many nights. I will share more of this journey that I am on in subsequent posts.

So that's me: Becky or Rebecca (depending on who you are talking to!).

The flowers Fade

We have a dogwood tree that my husband planted in the backyard last year. It is amazing to see how much it has grown and the beautiful blooms that are so delightful to look upon. Yesterday was a beautiful day. Our backyard was ablaze in color from one corner to the other. I wanted to capture the beauty of each flower and bloom, knowing that soon... it will fade and how quickly the time goes by.

Julie and her family came for lunch as well as our youngest daughter, Annababe. We also enjoyed the company of our son-in-law's sister and her husband. Our son Josh, lives in North Carolina, so he was enjoying spending time with his wife and new little son at the beach. We had a fun time taking pictures in the backyard. I had received a new camera and was intent on capturing every moment. Though, I was in the moment... my thoughts drifted in and out of family back home in North Carolina. Mother's Day and other special occasions always bring back strong family memories...

As I think of how quickly time passes, I think about the experiences we have had that we think we will never forget. And yet... some things we want to remember, we cannot recall. What do we remember that has significantly impacted our lives? I remember telling someone if I could leave anything with my children, it would be my heart. To this she replied, "That is the last thing I would offer to my children." She went on to talk of how deceptive the heart is. I guess I was thinking, only the good part of my heart but realized afterward if I gave them my heart, they would get the worst part of it too. Wouldn't I be embarrassed for them to know the wickedness of my heart? Uhm, yeah... I think so. That's why God is the only one who can hold our hearts in the palm of his hand and still love us enough to die for us.

The Bible is full of verses regarding our heart... God instructs us to, "Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up." Deuteronomy 11:18-19

We can hope to leave some wonderful treasures with our children someday, but the best thing we can leave them is a truth they can pass down from generation to generation. It will not get lost in a flood, earthquake, or fire or any other major disaster but will last forever. The only truth that is pure and uncorrupted is the Word of God. Everything else is going to fade away and be forgotten. I've often heard people say that when we die, we cannot take anything with us... but I am inclined to believe we can take with us our faith, hope and love and the word of God that has been instilled in our hearts.

"All men are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field. The grass withers and the flowers fall, because the breath of the Lord blows on them. Surely the people are grass. the grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God stands forever." Isaiah 40: 7-8

If you are looking for Julie's post today, she will be posting on Thursday. I will be posting on Mondays. Thanks so much for joining us!